Stay at home mom

I hate when I know I need some time by myself but I feel like a bad mom when I need someone to take him for a few hours. I hate it because I know my mother-in-law with make a comment about how she never needed to have time off and how she was a fucking super mom. I don't care. She has no idea what its like to try to fight depression and be a good wife and mother and friend and everything else that I am supposed to be all the time. Especially when I am fighting my fucking allergies too! I feel like my head it going to explode as it is. And my period and just everything! I am so fucking tired right now and I just need to be alone or I am going to lose it. Thankfully my husband gets it and knows that sometimes I need to be alone. He went out to dinner with a friend and had his parents take E so I am sitting here drinking a glass of wine and hanging out in the quiet. Now I will be recharged for the next 3 weeks without my partner in crime.

Time for a normal day

I am so excited to go to my friend's house today and watch The Hobbit. It will be so great to just hang out and not be sad. It will be good to just hang out with my best friend and let the boys play. His son just turned one last month and E loves him. It is so cute to watch them play together. The last two weeks have been so terrible and it is nice to watch babies play and giggle and laugh.

A military funeral

http://www.meaningfulfunerals.net/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=2024753&fh_id=10460#.UUkZ9XfyuF8.facebook


Thursday was the funeral. I think that it was the hardest funeral I have ever been to including my grandmother's. I pretty much cried the entire time. I thought I was going to be okay until I saw the flag covered coffin. They rolled it into the church and he was escorted by his brother and brother-in-law in their dress uniforms. His brother got up and listed all of his accomplishments and broke down at the end. The burial was at the National Cemetery. I got teary as soon as we pulled up just seeing the rows of marble headstones and the flag on the hill at half mast. They had an honor guard carrying the casket. They shot off the rifles and played TAPS. I cried so hard. It is just still so unbelievable. I just want to cry it all out. I have been trying so hard to keep myself together for Victor and for Steven's family. I tried so hard not to cry in front of his parents. I am so heartbroken for them. And it makes me sad because I know they will never be the same. He was such a good person. And this just sucks so bad.

Rough night

Today was the viewing. It has been hard to believe it was real but seeing him in the casket was so tough. And explaining it to E was hard. He seemed to get it but who knows because he is only 3. I just told him that we had to say goodbye to Uncle Steven and that everyone is very sad because he died. It was so hard to watch my husband cry and be in so much pain. Tomorrow is going to be hard too. This is just so terrible

This sucks!!!

I am so drained right now.  We have spent the last two days with his family and it is so hard. His dad is just broken. He won't eat and he has barely slept. I am worried about him. His mom cried today and that was really hard to see. I had to walk outside because I don't want to break down in front of them. They do not need to have see other people break down. The pain we feel is NOTHING compared to losing your son like that. I don't if I'm even making sense right now. I am so tired but its hard to finally stop and lay down.

Intro

I have decided to start this blog as a way to work through my demons and vent when I need to. I will share a few things about me to start. I am a 31 year old stay at home mom. My husband works in the oil industry and is gone for every 2 weeks. My son is 3 years old and we are trying to have another baby. I am the child of a broken home and a blended family. I have 3 brother and a sister. My parents have been married since I was 10 so my step mom is my mom. I have been married to my husband for 6 years. He is Mexican and comes from a large family (i know its a shocker). I have had my share of trauma and hurt as well as grace and joy. I have some amazing friends who know some of my story but there is not 1 person who knows it all. I have never told someone everything. I guess it is a form of self preservation. It is hard for me to open up to people because I learned very early in life that you cant trust people. It is a difficult lesson to learn and not entirely true. I have come to a point that I realize I need to work through this stuff so I can be a better mom and not pass this crap to my son. I don't want him to grow up with the same fear and damage that I have. It is very scary being this responsible for another life. I always said I didn't want children for this reason. I don't want to screw them up the way my mother screwed me up. My greatest fear in life is to be like her. And I refuse to be like her. I will get through this crap so that I am not her.